Welcome to the Addison Recorder‘s football Pick ‘Em column. Each week Alex and a guest writer will predict the outcome of the most intriguing games on the slate. He will try to be as expert as possible, but we make no guarantees for his guests.
It’s rivalry week, so we’re bringing back the guy who has a standing slap bet with Bean about the outcome of The Game between Michigan and Ohio State. Bean deeply regrets this bet placed five years ago, by the way. (Travis holds no such regrets.)
Bean knows just how you feel, Marcus Hall.
Michigan at #6 Ohio State
Bean: What’s left to say? This game in Columbus is the end of the Brady Hoke era at Michigan. It has been four years of ridiculous and stupid football. I will not miss it. May next year bring a coach who can…actually coach. This game? On Saturday? Oh, fuck. It will be a slaughter. Last year’s edition looked that way, too, and became an instant-classic decided on a failed two-point conversion with seconds left. That ain’t happening in Columbus. Buckeyes by 
.
Travis: Oh, the joys that come with slapping another man full in the face. The thrill of the moment. The tension of the wind-up. The sudden uncertainty that besets you as your wayward limb begins its acceleration and ascent – what if I miss? The rush of blood that comes as your hand reaches full extension, fingers splayed, the realization that yes, this slap will happen, and it will be good. The blow. The aftermath, falling away in triumph as your opponent collapses into a whimpering pile. The august joy of victory. Oh, this is a glorious thing. Buckeyes by a Bear Flipping a Table. ʕ•ᴥ•ʔノ ︵ ┻━┻
Oh, the people of Minnesota want to see this soooo badly.
#18 Minnesota at #14 Wisconsin
Bean: How about them Gophers?! For the first time in decades they’ve won the Little Brown Jug and Floyd of Rosedale in the same season. Then last week they won the iinauguralBits of Broken Chair Trophy. This week they’re playing Wisconsin for Paul Bunyan’s Axe and the right to face Ohio State in the Big Ten Championship Game. What a shame they won’t make it. The Gophers have played a unique brand of caveman football, but I just can’t imagine they have a chance against the rushing bulldozer that is Wisconsin. Badgers by 11.
Travis: Melvin Gordon will have his way with the Gophers defense, much the same as my hand will have its way with the side of Bean’s face. Badgers by 14.
#15 Auburn at #1 Alabama
Bean: The Iron Bowl beckons, though I can’t imagine we’ll get a repeat of last year. Which is too bad, because it was the single craziest football moment I’ve ever seen. With a berth in the SEC Championship Game and subsequent national title bid on the line the game was tied and heading to OT. And then the Kick Six.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGBy8cQKshs
I was in my parent’s kitchen and just started screaming and shouting like I had lost my damn mind. It was pure chaos and shocking in ways that only sports can provide. Too bad all we’ll get Saturday is Alabama slowly strangling this flawed Auburn team over the course of the second half. Crimson Tide by 13.
Travis: Yes, that game was shocking. One might say that it was a real slap to the face for Alabama. This time around, I think Nick Saban is there to slap some sense into his team. I don’t see the Crimson Tide letting this opportunity for revenge slap away from them – Saban isn’t nearly so lenient. (Oh, did I say slap? I meant slip). Alabama by 4.
Miss State fans are hoping that Dan Mullen will be lifting more than just the Egg Bowl trophy this winter. They will start with that, though.
#4 Mississippi State at #19 Ole Miss
Bean: Is this the most high stakes Egg Bowl ever? Ole Miss can’t claim a title with a win, but they can deny their hated rivals a whole lot. If Mississippi State wins they could get a berth in the SEC Championship Game, though they can only make it to Atlanta if Bama loses. But even if they miss the SEC title they can still get into the College Football Playoff with an 11-1 record. So we get this match-up between the Rebels fantastic defense and the Bulldogs excellent offense. It feels like a draw to me, so I defer to home field advantage. Bulldogs by 2.
Travis: Since reaching the pinnacle of a #3 ranking, the wheels have really fallen off the Ole Miss bandwagon. The Bulldogs are angry, and will be ready for this matchup. Much as I will be ready. <begins to massage right hand> Bulldogs by 10.
It’s surprisingly hard to find images for this rivalry game. So we get this generic one.
#13 Arizona State at #11 Arizona
Bean: Another high-stakes rivalry! I miss those! Tell me, Travis, what is national relevance like? Does it make the air sweeter? Does it make food taste better? Does it make alcohol three time as strong and always free? I assume so. Some of that triple-strong and free booze would be great while I watch Michigan’s old coach take his much less-talented team to a 10-2 record and a huge bowl game while our current schmuck gets fired after 4 years because his approach to football is 2 generations old. END TIRADE. FOR NOW. I MISS FEELING FEELS ABOUT FOOTBALL! Wildcats by 5.
Travis: See, now I almost feel bad about how hard I’m going to slap you. Oh, as for this game? I’m leaning upset. Zona by a Slap
Images via: SBNation, Sportngin.com, MSSportsMagazine.com, and Tucson.com.
Alex Bean
A life-long Midwesterner, currently living and working in Chicago. Primarily writes here about television and film (which is what he accrued crushing debt to study in school), but will write about books, sports, video games, or whatever else strikes his fancy. He's the one who thinks baseball is really boring.
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I’d slap the shit out of Bean.
Ya know, I am a likable person. People like me!
Yeah, I like you. I also like slapping you in the face after an OSU win. And I DON’T MEAN OKLAHOMA.
I know. You mean Oregon State. You love them Beavers.
I am all about those Ducks and YOU KNOW IT.
http://www.gifday.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/129185867237633005.gif