The Milwaukee Brewers had an April for the ages. Just ask Hank the Dog:
A 20-8 record AND an adorable stray-dog-turned-mascot? Everything’s coming up Milwaukee!
Not only do they have something that resembles a playoff-caliber starting rotation, not only have they knocked together the best record in baseball, but they’ve put put together the best opening month in franchise history. As the Recorder’s resident Rollie Fingers (and Brewers fan), I set out to ascertain how my favorite team achieved this improbable early-season success.
Turns out that living in Chicago — and not being a credentialed sportswriter — makes it difficult to locate sources for this analysis. I was able to find one person, a man of haunted visage, who claimed to be the long-lost brother of Bernie Brewer. He called himself “Rust” and here’s what he told me:
You ever hear of something called the M. Brewers theory, man? It’s like, in a baseball season, we process games linearly — forward.
But outside our MLB.com At-Bat app, from what would be a fourth-dimensional perspective, momentum wouldn’t exist. And from that vantage, could we attain it… We’d see — our season would look suspended, like every single pitch — put in play or otherwise — was in a superposition of every gap, seat, or glove where it could have and did end up. Our experience, though… is just cycling through at-bats… like sausages racing around a ballpark.
See, everything outside our season — that’s an eternity, looking down on a season already complete. Now, to us, it’s a diamond, but to them… it’s a circle. A flat circle we’ve drawn in the sand many times before, but can only see 1/6 of its circumference in our linearly-limited viewpoint.
So. There you go. Either he’s telling us that it’s still too early to claim the Brewers are a playoff team… Or he’s trying to tell us that Carcosa has come to our world and we should all panic. Not exactly sure.
Each of these “lawn ornaments” is ready & waiting to pull the soul from your body and slide into a vat of beer every time someone “hits a dinger.”
-J.
The entity known as -J. would be at home in a place like Carcosa or Night Vale, but instead lives near a far more dreary place -- Wrigley Field. He is the patron Addisonian of whisk(e)y and tabletop games, and is often adorned with a waistcoat & his ridiculous mustache.
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