Welcome back for the latter half of Alex and -J. making predictions which they will not be held accountable for later on. We hope you grabbed your favorite libation, as our evaluations make a lot more sense with a bit of alcohol in your system and a lot of sundry trivia bouncing around your brain.

Let’s get to it.

(If you missed the analysis of Groups A-D, you can find them here.)

Group E: Tropical Absinthe

Switzerland * France * Ecuador * Honduras

Alex: France has alternated between phenomenal and craptastic over the past four World Cups. Since it’s already been eight years since they lost to Italy in the 2006 Final, that means it’s time to sing La Marseillaise again. Which I’m down with, because that’s the best damn national anthem in the world.

Vive la France! Who will be carrying the baguettes for Équipe de France de football, J.?

-J.: I’m not sold on the French, though I’m not sold against them, either. I am a French equivocator. Switzerland seems like a great team every World Cup, but never “semifinals” sort of great. Ecuador is in South America, a thing whose imporance in 2014 I’ve mentioned repeatedly. Honduras is a CONCACAF stalwart that feels like it ought to maybe be some kind of dark horse if another team in this group implodes, so… Hrm. How about I go with one team from Europe and one team from the Americas to make it into the next round. Will that work?

Fine, José Mourinho, I’ll make some damn picks. Um… I’ll take the middle road and go with Switzerland and Ecuador. Geez.

[Read more…]

We are only a couple dozen hours from the start of everyone’s favorite 4-year celebration of burdening a host country with crushing debt and soon-to-be-rusting opulent sports venues!

No, not the Olympics. The other one. The World Cup thing.

Anyway, if you’re looking to lose money like a World Cup host, Alex Bean and I are here to provide some solid analysis that you can definitely throw money at. And, like a World Cup host, you’ll probably have a lot of regrets after you do. All that’s missing are the bribery and corruption, though Alex and I will gladly accept any and all payments of beer and dollars. You won’t get anything from these gifts, but you also won’t have to deal with years of riots. Probably. To the analysis!

Group A: Nintendo World Cup +1

Brazil * Croatia * Mexico * Cameroon

Alex: Brazil will win this group. That’s the Bean guarantee. (This guarantee will only be used in conjunction with Brazil being a massive favorite.) As to the rest, I think Cameroon will come in last because I know nothing about Cameroon football. So it comes down to the game between Croatia and Mexico on June 23rd in Recife to advance. I say El Tri emerges victorious despite their swoon of late. Who do you think advances on June 23rd?

-J.: I know about Cameroon football, kind of, because I was a kid obsessed with playing Nintendo World Cup on the original NES. Three of these teams represent the varying difficulty levels of your progression through the game: you start against a team like Cameroon, you know it’s getting serious when you reach Mexico, and Brazil meant you were up against some serious shit. (Croatia was still part of Yugoslavia at the time, so they don’t fit into this frame of reference.)

Besides learning about the geography of Africa at a young age, I also learned that American countries south of the United States are really good at soccer. So, yeah, obviously Brazil moves on. If it were any other World Cup, I’d also pick Mexico. But El Tri needed Team USA’s help just to qualify for a play-in to get to this Cup, and that’s not exactly heartening. I’ll take a chance on Croatia making it through.

[Read more…]