Chicago Blackhawks

the Fifth Line: Holiday Gifts

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Happy Holidays!

I’ve been really busy this season, so I still haven’t finished my Christmas shopping. I have no idea to get folks on my list. I started looking yesterday afternoon, and it is an utterly daunting task. Totally unrelated, I’ve been making a list of things I could get various NHL teams, if I had unlimited resources. As I run around looking for last-minute gifts for real people, I’d like to share with you the fake gifts I would give to these teams.

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“A Stanley Cup, eh? Ho ho ho! Don’t you think you need some better Fenwick numbers before Santa tries to get you past the Blackhawks?”

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the Fifth Line: Redux

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Everything we have ever done or will do, we are going to do over and over and over again. One might say that a puck is like a flat circle…

Okay, technically a puck has height, so it’s not actually flat, but the point is that this week has seen a lot of recurring events in the NHL. Break out the Lone Star beer and let’s talk about eternal recurrence… on the ice.

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It was all the same dream. A dream that you had inside a locked box. A dream about being the first star. And like a lot of dreams there’s Pierre McGuire at the end of it.

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the Fifth Line: the Long Game

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The NHL season is one-third over, and after the twists and turns, we still have a few surprises sticking around. One thing that isn’t a surprise, though? The Blackhawks are again looking like a Stanley Cup finalist.

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Hooray!

Everything is Awesome

Since we last looked at the ‘Hawks, they’ve put up another flawless week, winning three of three games. One against a solid Eastern team (Montreal), one against a dangerous Western team (Nashville), and one against their archenemy (rookie goaltenders, in the form of New Jersey’s Keith Kincaid). [Read more…]

the Fifth Line: the NHL’s Flying Circus

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That was an interesting week of hockey. Chicago picked up wins while avoiding the circus (literally), Martin Brodeur is now a Blue, the NHL suddenly is very interested in vaccines, and we were treated to Jack Edwards belly-aching about not the Bruins getting the Black Friday afternoon game.

We’ll start with the circus, because everybody loves the big top. Except the Blackhawks’ GM.

Circus is Back in Chicago

The Blackhawks closed out November with its annual circus trip, a two-week tour through the arenas of NHL teams in the Mountain and Pacific time zones. It’s called the “circus trip” because the gods-damned Ringling Bros. kick the ‘Hawks out of the United Center for two weeks. Seriously.

629-59Zr0.AuSt.55The trip was a bounty of wins (5-1-0), and the team returned home last night, stomping the St. Louis Blues to the tune of 4-1. The line of Brad Richards, Patrick Kane, and Kris Versteeg shredded St. Louis in the 3rd period, continuing their November ascendance. The Blackhawks’ second line has been damn near unstoppable of late. Chicago was lauded for taking a one-year chance on the aging Richards after the Rangers kicked him to the curb to save money. But Richards was also a risk — he’s in the twilight of his career, and was demoted to the Rangers’ fourth line in the playoffs last season. So far, though, he’s turned into the second-line center that Kane needed all of last year. [Read more…]

the Fifth Line: Thankfulness

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Happy Thanksgiving!

Yeah, this is a holiday synonymous with American football, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be thankful for hockey. After all, when U.S. citizens run rampant over hapless retail employees on Black Friday, you have an excuse to stay home (or hit the bar) — there are almost a dozen NHL games tomorrow, and sixteen NCAA games.

Hockey gives us plenty to be thankful for this season. For example, the Toledo Walleyes of the ECHL channeled Batman on the ice last week:

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“I am the Bat!”

What else? Well, I am thankful…

…that I am not Milan Lucic

The drawback to writing a weekly column is that sometimes, when you think you have a clever idea, someone with a daily blog gets to that idea first. After Boston power forward Milan Lucic got into a heated disagreement with Columbus Blue Jacket d-man Dalton Prout, hilarity ensued: [Read more…]

the Fifth Line: the Absurd and the Unlived

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If last week’s post didn’t convince you that this is an absurd year in the NHL, the Nashville Predators’ Twitter account is here to help:

Yes, the Predators tied their franchise record for most goals scored… against the NHL’s version of the Yankees.

Since I already pulled out the big guns of absurdism last week with Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, I need something different. Still absurd, but maybe a little more joyful. More Marx-Brothers-y. More totally insane-y…

Good ‘Hawks / Bad ‘Hawks

tumblr_n1jgptWiYM1sykpjyo5_400It was so good to watch the ‘Hawks destroy the Dallas Stars on Sunday, for so many reasons. Watching an unlucky-this-season Chicago team pot six goals in a game felt cathartic. Doing it against Dallas was icing on the cake (we’ll come back to my hatred for Dallas later). Listening to Pat Foley rip into Ales Hemsky was the shot of whiskey after the cake. [Read more…]

the Fifth Line: Rosen-Kane & Guilden-Toews are Dead

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Watching the Chicago Blackhawks eke out a victory against the Tampa Bay Lightning on Tuesday was a harrowing experience. Once again, the puck seemed bound and determined to give probability the slip. Chicago was approaching 30 shots on goal with nary a point in sight!

I joked on Twitter that the Blackhawks were bending probability worse than the coin in Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead.

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Then I realized that Tom Stoppard’s play was actually the perfect lens through which to talk about probability and absurdity in the NHL. Assembled below are aspects of the play, characters, and relevant quotes all mashed them up with their NHL equivalent. Despite the title above, Kane and Toews aren’t who I’ve lined up to play R&G — that comes at the end, naturally. Instead, Chicago is best represented by that damn coin.

The Coin: Chicago Blackhawks

A weaker man might be moved to re-examine his faith, if in nothing else at least in the law of probability.

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the Fifth Line: Shots! Shots! Shots!

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Alex usually has a NCAA football pick ’em column on Thursdays, but this week all we found were the words “Michigan football and grading papers make Bean something something.” Over and over. And over.

In it’s place, we have some bonus early-season coverage of NHL hockey! It’s a bit last-second, so I’m not sure what topics to write about–

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“ME. You will write about ME.”

Oh dear gods, what have we wrought? Um, maybe we’ll start here at home in Chicago?
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the Fifth Line: Gorilla Salad & the Flying Fenwicks

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Whisky has been poured. Fantasy team drafted. Grown men are skating around the ice, swatting at a disc of vulcanized rubber with sticks — and starting last night, that swatting counted in the standings.

The NHL season is upon us, and all is well.

Ryan Johansen is finally signed and suited up, every team is somehow under the salary cap, and Gorilla Salad is back in Chicago?

Godsdamnit.

Seriously?

Gods. Damn. It.

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the Fifth Line: Preseason Prospects, RFA Contracts, and NHL Expansion

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I type these words as the last day of summer fades into autumn-culled darkness. I have just watched Cuba Gooding, Jr., take his top off in the middle of a Blackhawks’ preseason game. And everyone’s favorite ‘Hawks parody account has returned to Twitter.

Guess that all means it’s time to start writing about the NHL again. I’m going to start this (pre)season with a few thoughts on the Midwest. Because I live here. [Read more…]