Columbus Blue Jackets

the Fifth Line: Holiday Gifts

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Happy Holidays!

I’ve been really busy this season, so I still haven’t finished my Christmas shopping. I have no idea to get folks on my list. I started looking yesterday afternoon, and it is an utterly daunting task. Totally unrelated, I’ve been making a list of things I could get various NHL teams, if I had unlimited resources. As I run around looking for last-minute gifts for real people, I’d like to share with you the fake gifts I would give to these teams.

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“A Stanley Cup, eh? Ho ho ho! Don’t you think you need some better Fenwick numbers before Santa tries to get you past the Blackhawks?”

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the Fifth Line: the Long Game

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The NHL season is one-third over, and after the twists and turns, we still have a few surprises sticking around. One thing that isn’t a surprise, though? The Blackhawks are again looking like a Stanley Cup finalist.

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Hooray!

Everything is Awesome

Since we last looked at the ‘Hawks, they’ve put up another flawless week, winning three of three games. One against a solid Eastern team (Montreal), one against a dangerous Western team (Nashville), and one against their archenemy (rookie goaltenders, in the form of New Jersey’s Keith Kincaid). [Read more…]

the Fifth Line: Thankfulness

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Happy Thanksgiving!

Yeah, this is a holiday synonymous with American football, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be thankful for hockey. After all, when U.S. citizens run rampant over hapless retail employees on Black Friday, you have an excuse to stay home (or hit the bar) — there are almost a dozen NHL games tomorrow, and sixteen NCAA games.

Hockey gives us plenty to be thankful for this season. For example, the Toledo Walleyes of the ECHL channeled Batman on the ice last week:

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“I am the Bat!”

What else? Well, I am thankful…

…that I am not Milan Lucic

The drawback to writing a weekly column is that sometimes, when you think you have a clever idea, someone with a daily blog gets to that idea first. After Boston power forward Milan Lucic got into a heated disagreement with Columbus Blue Jacket d-man Dalton Prout, hilarity ensued: [Read more…]

the Fifth Line: Rosen-Kane & Guilden-Toews are Dead

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Watching the Chicago Blackhawks eke out a victory against the Tampa Bay Lightning on Tuesday was a harrowing experience. Once again, the puck seemed bound and determined to give probability the slip. Chicago was approaching 30 shots on goal with nary a point in sight!

I joked on Twitter that the Blackhawks were bending probability worse than the coin in Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead.

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Then I realized that Tom Stoppard’s play was actually the perfect lens through which to talk about probability and absurdity in the NHL. Assembled below are aspects of the play, characters, and relevant quotes all mashed them up with their NHL equivalent. Despite the title above, Kane and Toews aren’t who I’ve lined up to play R&G — that comes at the end, naturally. Instead, Chicago is best represented by that damn coin.

The Coin: Chicago Blackhawks

A weaker man might be moved to re-examine his faith, if in nothing else at least in the law of probability.

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the Fifth Line: Preseason Prospects, RFA Contracts, and NHL Expansion

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I type these words as the last day of summer fades into autumn-culled darkness. I have just watched Cuba Gooding, Jr., take his top off in the middle of a Blackhawks’ preseason game. And everyone’s favorite ‘Hawks parody account has returned to Twitter.

Guess that all means it’s time to start writing about the NHL again. I’m going to start this (pre)season with a few thoughts on the Midwest. Because I live here. [Read more…]