Thoughts from the Dugout: Coach Speak

Press conferences featuring coaches and managers rarely offer much insight – in the corporate controlled world of professional sports, the suits at the top frown on those who offer much more than the company line or a string of well-rehearsed cliches to ravenous sports writers eager for something to exploit. Fortunately, we here at the Addison Recorder have invented a device that translates these dull affairs – “coach speak”, if you will – into a more accurate reflection of the mental state of the skipper. This is all part of our efforts to offer you better insight into what exactly the manager or coach is trying to say.

Mike Scioscia – Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Press Conference: Well, to be honest with you, I think any time you’re suiting up to get out there and play a playoff game, it’s a must‑win game. But I don’t think your focus is anything but to go out there, pour your heart into every situation, and play baseball.

Coach Speak: Well, to be honest with you – no, it’s SCIOSCIA, two C’s – we just didn’t play very well. The Royals are playing hot, and  – you say it like this: SO – SHUH, how hard is that? – and I mean, they’re playing well. They’re controlling the base paths and  – for the love of God, S – C – I – O – S – C – I – A, not Sosa. Do I look like anything other than a grumpy old white man to you? Jesus. Where was I – yeah, they’re just the ones controlling the game – OH FOR PETE’S SAKE, IT’S SCIOSCIA IT’S AN ITALIAN NAME HOW HARD COULD IT – you know what, just write “So-Shuh”. Nobody’s gonna read this shit anyway.

Ned Yost – Kansas City Royals

Press Conference: No, that’s a tremendous baseball team over there.  They have tremendous power, they’re a tremendous offensive club with great pitching. But it just shows that our team stepped up at the right time.

Coach Speak: Oh my God, what just happened. They’ll come for me for sure. We were supposed to throw this – I got in bad with the wrong people, you guys. Nasty people. The kind you can’t even imagine. Like, the kinds of sons of bitches that make Jason Voorhees look cuddly. And – listen, I don’t have much time. Just do me a favor and destroy this phone for me when you’re done. Thanks, guys– oh God, they’re here. <runs away>

Buck Showalter – Baltimore Orioles

Press Conference: There are different steps during the season that you have to take and this is one of ’em.  And so hard against a team like Detroit with such a great pedigree and experience, you know, at this.  It’s a challenge and it will continue to be.

Coach Speak: <long drag on cigarette>

For God’s sake, let us sit upon the ground
And tell sad stories of the death of kings;
How some have been deposed; some slain in war,
Some haunted by the ghosts they have deposed;
Some poison’d by their wives: some sleeping kill’d;
All murder’d: for within the hollow crown
That rounds the mortal temples of a king
Keeps Death his court and there the antic sits.

<another long, cool drag on a cigarette>

Brad Ausmus – Detroit Tigers

Press Conference: It’s pretty much the same it is every single day.  These guys are a veteran group, so they’re relaxed.  They understand that they have a job to do, but they’re not dreading anything.

Coach Speak: Well, we didn’t play. <sighs> Jesus, it’s all irrelevant, isn’t it? I mean, we’re all going to die. You. Me. Everyone in that stadium tonight. The whole of civilization is just one long struggle to keep the light. But all lights go dark. Even the universe will collapse in an inevitable heat-death. When you look at it that way, I mean…why even bother? Playing this silly little game, pretending to be gods, when we are naught but ants beneath the great cosmic doom. <leaves>

Mike Matheny – St. Louis Cardinals

Press Conference: I believe he’s [Matt Carpenter] been an elite hitter all year.  The average might not be kind of what we saw last year.  It’s the quality of the at‑bats.  I think anybody that faces us would agree, this guy just puts together tough at‑bat after tough at‑bat.

Coach Speak: <stares into distance> Let me tell you about Matt Carpenter. He’s what needed to happen. Becuase sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded. Because he’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he’s not a hero. He’s a Silent Guardian. A Watchful Protector. A Dark Knight.

<aide comes up>

Sorry, I believe I meant St. Louis. He’s the hero St. Louis deserves.

Don Mattingly – Los Angeles Dodgers

Press Conference: There are certain things that you can’t really measure as far as ‑‑ when you start playing as a team and you’re playing for your teammates and that means more to you than anything else. So it’s a different level to be focused and concentration, and when you’re playing for the whole, your team is better and you really end up being better than you would be if you’re just trying to get out there and get your hits.

Coach Speak: Somebody. Please. Anybody. Help me. I have no idea what I’m doing here. Seriously, I’m not kidding. You sit there with your fucking microphones and expect anything I say to explain what I’m doing? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT I’M DOING.  Like, did you hear what he said? Is Matt Carpenter really Batman? WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT?! All I was supposed to do was hit the ball. That’s all Mr. Steinbrenner said I’d ever have to do — oh, my God. I just realized THESE AREN’T YANKEE PINSTRIPES I’M WEARING — WHO DID THIS TO ME? What’s happened to me? This — this isn’t right. God help us all.

Bruce Bochy – San Francisco Giants

Press Conference: I think as a club, as a manager, I think Brian Sabean, Dick Tidrow, John Barr, everybody should have a lot of pride when you look out on the field and they use a lot of homegrown products that are playing out there. That’s what it takes, I think, to have consistent success.

Coach Speak: <looking at Matt Williams, sitting in the corner> You have any family? You have a wife… girlfriend? Because if you do, I’m gonna find her, whoever she is. I’m gonna hurt her. I’m gonna make her bleed, and cry, and call out your name. And then I’m gonna find you, and kill you right in front of her. <smiles coldly>

Matt Williams – Washington Nationals

Press Conference: Well, I would imagine that our guys play with passion and that’s a really good thing.  They want to win as badly as anybody.  I don’t view that as emotionally imploding.  I view that as intense and caring and wanting to win.

Coach Speak: Oh, um, what did Bruce say? <reads Coach Speak transcript> Yeah, I’d say that sums it up. I’m getting the hell out of here.