“Thoughts I Had During the 2013 Baseball Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony

This past weekend, the National Baseball Hall of Fame welcomed the Class of 2013 to its hallowed doors in Cooperstown. I thought about watching it, but realized that I don’t have cable. Instead, I chose to let my mind ramble as I overlooked proceedings whilst undercover in Southwestern Ohio. The following is a near-exact transcript of my thoughts regarding….well, I tried to keep focused on the Hall of Fame. I really did. But after about – strike that, I can’t even muster a printed lie about it, so I’ll just admit it: I instantly lost my train of thought. Observe below.

• Hmm, I wonder if there’s any bread in the bread box. If there is, I’m totes calling dibs on the PB&J Special.

• How many YouTube hits does “Shipoopi” have?….(pause for investigation)….”Huh.”

• I hear that Gaelic Storm was in “Titanic”. I’m unsure as to where that would be, as I only actually seem to remember two scenes, really, that didn’t involve a disrobed Kate Winslet.

• Has anyone ever noticed how much we’ve stopped using the word “toll” as a verb? Specifically related to the sounding of large brass (or steel) instruments of a dangly nature? I mean, apart from naming the Hemingway book, does anyone ever find themselves in a conversation going: “What time, you say? Why, the toll sounded at 4 and one quarter not ten seconds ago! And the cavalry have blown the trumpet charge and ol’ Grant is running down the rebs even as we speak!”

• I originally had that half-baked conversation as a London street-corner in my imagination, but somehow it was invaded by Civil-War era Maryland. Wonder how often THAT comes up in conversation.

• Gosh, Dayton gets dull during the weekdays. Oh, wait. I’m not in Dayton. I’m in a potato patch. And it seems to be lacking its potatoes.

• Oh, I already seem to have picked them up.

• There is a considerable amount of dirt under my fingernails. I must see to getting that eliminated.

• Does Wolfman have nards?…..(pauses for investigation)….Wolfman’s got nards.

• My associate was last seen trailing a Lumineers tour bus. This does not bode well, as he despises the Lumineers. I fear for their safety.

• Speaking of the Lumineers, what do you call a promiscuous Lumineers fan who has stumbled into a bale of alfalfa?

• …

• A Ho, Hay,

• A slow news week. But even if you’re feeling bored, you’re not 1/10th as bored as ANY POOR BASTARD at the Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony this weekend.

• Even Wolfman would be bored.

• Ho, Hey. Made better by chickens.

• All work and no play makes Travis bored to all hell.

• Oh, look, a potato. Toll the bells!

• Proving once again to have an utterly inept grasp of technology, I somehow blew through four months of data on my smart phone trying to download one song.

• Granted, it was “Thrift Shop”, but that’s neither here nor there.

• Seriously, nobody was inducted this year?

• Well, I guess that’s not true. Props to Deacon White, Hank O’Day, and Jacob Ruppert. You know, one of the guys who refused to let non-whites play baseball. Yeah, HE’S in the Hall of Fame.

• Who feels awesome?

• Where wolves? There wolves!

• Would you like to have a “Ho, Hey” in the Hay?

• (pauses to investigate)

• IT’S FUN.

• Not this fun.

• Or even THIS fun.

• Zorro, I don’t think you’ve got that squirrel cornered in the tree. No, I really don’t think so.

• I promise you, it’s not there. Would I lie to you?

• Oh, how do I know? Seeing as the squirrel is five trees away LAUGHING at you, I think you’ve lost this one.

• Yes, I think he’s a little bastard, too.

• Yes, they’re all little bastards.

• Alright, we can play rope toss.

• Which is more toss than any HOF inductees are getting this weekend! HO. (Hey)

• (Slow news day)

• (Ho hey)